5 Reasons Whitewater Rafting Is Better Than a Theme Park

Forget “Splash Water Falls” or the “Log Flume Ride” and try the real thing.

Believe it or not, there are people out there who will try to convince you to spend your hard-earned vacation time doing something other than a life-changing, soul-satisfying whitewater rafting trip.

Seriously.

They’ll begin this bum steer by telling you how such-and-such a theme park will be just as fun. Or, they’ll say, this or that amusement park is just down the road. And, they’ll say it all without a shred of irony.

Just in case you have a friend or family member attempting this subterfuge and misdirection, we’ve prepared you some ammunition in vacation-planning defense. Parry with these points:

1. No lines, and free parking.
   If you have to take a shuttle from the parking lot only to wait in line for an hour at the gate, and then to take a ride, your vacation might be off to a rocky start.
2. Guides are prohibited from playing calliope music.Being forced to listen to merry-go-round music is actually a known form of torture. Just put this video on repeat for your friends and see if they wouldn’t prefer the music of babbling water and wind in the trees.
3. We pull the plug on those annoying people.
   That teen-ager that won’t stop texting? The lady OMG’ing over and over on her cell phone. Yeah, they’re cut off on our trips. No signal. No juice.
4. Our scenery is better than the line for the next ride.No staring at steel trestles. No staring at the bad haircut in front of you. And don’t get us started on the weird things floating in the water on the log flume ride.
5. Not a trace of cotton candy stickiness.Ever put your hand down on the bar in line for the roller coaster and have to peel it off? Ever wonder just what the goo is on the tilt-a-whirl seat? Yeah, we get none of that on a river trip.
6. We don’t discriminate against short people.
   “You must be this tall to ride.” While we do have age minimums and a requirement that a life jacket must fit you properly, we have no biases based on height.
7. You can actually find peace and quiet.The clickety-clack of chains and tracks; the incessant screaming of the hordes; buzzers, bells, music, fryers, barkers, PA systems — um, we cut all that out so you can hear yourself think.
8. We don’t charge you tickets before every rapid.
   Anybody else ever feel like you never get a chance to put your wallet away at theme parks?
9. Our menu is much better than corn dogs and funnel cakes.Four words: gourmet chefs, wine pairings. Why settle for county fair food, even on the river? Our food is locally sourced and organic, when possible. And there’s always more than you can eat.
10. Bumper cars are better when they splash, anyway.We’ll gladly bump our rafts around for you, without all that weird electric sparking above your head.
11. No mascots in animal costumes.
    Some people love a dancing 6-foot-tall mouse, or whole parades of them, and what our guides do in their off-time is really none of our business, but don’t you find it weird that those giant mascots never talk? Kinda creepy, right?

Yes, we know there are more than the promised 5 reasons here.

But, that just goes to show you we always exceed expectations.

Don’t hesitate to share this whole list with your friends if you fear their vacation is headed in the wrong direction.

Got another reason an OARS trip beats the amusement park?